Get A Job
by Secondhand Sarcasm
Summary: What happens when Pein tells the Akatsuki to get jobs? What kind of 'adventures' will they embark? -Contains Yaoi- Rated M for language, violence, and sexual content. ON HIATUS
1. The Meeting

Pein sat at his desk in his office, massaging his temples. He was a little stressed in his current situation. All the Akatsuki were standing in a line, all a bit curios as to why all of them were in his office at the same time. To his right konan stood there obediently, and to his left, Kakuzu stood holding quiet a few documents. Pein opened his mouth to speak only to be interruped by a certain Jashinest-

"What the hell are we all doing in here?" Hidan shouted.

"SHUT-UP!!" Pein shouted back only louder, slamming his hands on his desk.

It wasn't wise testing Peins patience at the moment. He glared at all of the people in the room, his glare lingering on Hidan a few seconds longer than the rest. Not able to concentrate properly he leisurely waved his hand in Kakuzus direction.

"Kakuzu..." Is all he managed to say in a strained voice.

"Uh, well, yes..." Kakuzu started, looking through the documents in his hands slightly."Our finances are running out, 'cause we're spending more money than making it-"

"So?" Deidara butted in lazily.

"SO...it has come time for a more serious and, uh, traditional way of earning money."

"You mean like slavery?" Hidan asked, with a excited smile and the light glistening in his eyes.

"No"

"Can you just get to the point already." Said Sasori, a hint of irritation in his voice.

"Fine, your all getting jobs." Kakuzu finished flatly.

You could hear a pin drop...well, at least for a moment.

"WHAT?!" Hidan, Deidara, and Kisame all yelled in perfect unison. Sasori's eyes were wide, obviously tying not to believe what he just heard. Itachi's face was unreadable, except that the presence around him was quickly turning an intent to kill.

"YAY!! Tobi gets his first job!!" Tobi screamed happily.

**"Shut-up, Tobi! **Oh great.**"** The plant commented sarcastically.

"Nope. No. I don't think so. Eh-eh." The blond stated matter-of-fact.

"You refuse. I kill you." Said Pein, giving Deidara a death glare. The bomber gulped rather loudly, then looked away pouting, but mad.

"Hey! Hey! Kakuzu, what the hell's this all about, eh? Hidan said angerly, pleading slightly.

"This wasn't my idea, Hidan."

"Just tell me what we're going to do." Itachi snapped, not really talking to anybody in particular. His eyes were closed, his head tilted back, and hands clenched into fists. Kisame looked at his weasel cautiously. He'd never seen him get show so much irritation before.

"What a disappointment," Pein stated, watching the Uchiha carefully. "To think an entire group of S-Rank criminals having to get jobs to support themselves." Itachi gritted his teeth, the anger rising. Pein smiled to himself, seeing the Uchiha get so upset. One more push will set him off. "Kakuzu, why don't you tell them their new assignments."

Kakuzu and Konan sighed simultaneously. Kakuzu rumaged around some more papers, then cleared his throat..."Well, there not the best jobs but they'll do. Okay, Deidara and Sasori do pizza delivery in Suna-"

"Suna?" Sasori almost squeaked...almost.

"Pizza delivery?" Deidara started pouting more than before.

"HAHAHA!!!" Hidan's laugh was heard all through-out the room.

Sasori left the room in a flash, Deidara on his heels. As the door was shutting you could hear Deidara calling Sasori from the hallway. Along with the sound of wood colliding with flesh then an "OW!".

"Now Kisame and Itachi, you both will be..." Kisame braced himself for the worst, not even daring to look at the weasel. "...opening up a fashion boutique in Konoha."

"GYAHAHAHA!!!" Hidan pointed at the Uchiha as he made his way out of the room. Kisame (like Deidara) ran after his weasel, hoping to console him. All that were left in the room now was Konan, kakuzu, a satisfied Pein, a still laughing Hidan, an aggravated plant, and the Tobi, waiting patiently to see what his job was.

"Okay, any who, Zetsu and Tobi. You will will be on gaurd duty for a local graveyard...at night."

"YAY!! Tobi's first job!!"

**"Dammit. **Fine."

"You should go ahead and pack things that will be needed. You first day is tonight."

"Tobi, be a good boy and pack our things. **Troublesome.**"

"Yes, Zetsu-san!"

And with that the both of them were gone.

"It's just you and me, asshole. Whats our assignment?" Kakuzu had to make sure he was reading the words on the paper correctly. But no matter how many times he re-read it, the words stayed the same. Maby just double-double checking, one more time-Nope. Still the same. He looked over at his leader with a face that said 'Please let this be a type-o.' Sir Leader simply replayed:

"You'll be the one that gets the most money out of all of these guys." The banker had to think for a moment. Then grabbed Hidan and walked out of the room.

"Hey! What the fucks up? Tell me what we got!"

"Just come." Is all Kakuzu could say.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~In Pein's Office~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What a bunch of idiots." Said Pein happily, leaning back in his chair, hands behind his head finally able to relax.

"I still think it's a bit cruel." Konan said a little uneasy.

"Anything to be alone with Mr. Strudle and Mrs. Melon." Said Pein while hugging his most beloved stuffed animals.

"Ahem."

Oh, yes. And you, my dear." Pein added quickly then giving Konan a peck on the cheek. "Oh, and do you mind getting the tea ready?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A Little Later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pein was standing next to the exit of their base, waiting to give further details to whom ever was about to leave first. He saw a giddy Tobi and annoyed Zetsu come down the hall. When they got close enough he handed them a map of where to go. It wasn't too far away. They could walk there and make it by nightfall.

"Have a safe trip."

Zetsu didn't replay, and just walked up the stairs to the surface.

"Bye-bye, Sir Leader Sir!" Sang Tobi, while jumping up and down, and saluting. Following Zetsu up the stairs.

First one down. Who's next? Only a minute later he saw the shark and weasel approaching. He could barely contain the smile that was threating to come across his lips. Kisame wasn't wearing his Akatsuki cloak, instead, he wore a silky, glittery blouse type man-shirt, silver. With a matching red tie, and skin tight black pants that were quiet fitting. Itachi, on the other hand, had his cloak on.

"Nice." Said Pein looking Kisame up and down.

"Thanks. This thing is actually kinda cool." Kisame started tugging at his shirt.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk." Was the first thing Pein said to Itachi, making his forefinger go in rythem with his "Tsk's". "Itachi, didn't I tell you to dress up." motioning toward Kisame.

"He's not wearing it till were half way to Konoha. Don't worry, I'll make sure he wear it, he looks so cute in it too." Kisame added. Which earned him a small growl from Itachi.

"Good, good." Was all Pein could say without bursting out laughing at the Uchiha's death glares.

"Have a safe trip, boys." That comment made Itachi brush against Pein hard while walking past him. The force of the Uchiha's push made Pein stumble a little.

Pein didn't even have to guess the next pair that was coming.

"Danna, please wear it, un."

"No."

"It's part of the uniform, un."

"Your bratty."

"Am not, un!"

"Are too."

"Well, well. Look what we have here." The two artists were wearing probably the oldest and lamest uniforms in the base. Both wearing pink and white striped shirts and pants, with white tennis shoes. Deidara was wearing and holding matching hats. The one he was holding is probably Sasori's, which he is refusing to wear. The look on Sasori's face made Pein feel pity for him...just a little. Deidara was obviously handling it better. Pein bent down and handed the Akasuna a large amount of pizzas.

"Why are there so many?" Sasori asked trying not to drop any of them. He could barely see what was in front of him.

"I heard that the Kazekage is having a party tonight. I'm sure he'll give you a big tip." Pein also handed Deidara a notepad with a list of addresses, names, and prices next to them. "That's your list, now run along you two." Sasori had to watch his steps carefully while climbing the stairs. As soon as Akasuna was off the steps Pein herd the sound of a cardboard box collide with the ground, then:

"Brat!"

"Sorry Danna, un."

"Just put it back in the box, they won't notice."

"That's not sanitary, Danna-"

"I don't care, just do it!"

"Un."

Pein sighed in his hand and almost missed the zombie brothers.

"Hey-" Pein started.

Kakuzu was dragging Hidan by his wrist, rushing to just go and get out of the base. Unlike Hidan, who looked more excited than anything.

"Got the map. Know where to go."

"See ya, Leader Asshole."

As soon as they were off the stair case he heard:

"Aww, don't step in it, un."

"Screw you, blondie."

"Hey!!"

"Come on, Hidan."

Pein turned back to his office. It was time to play with Mr. Strudle and Mrs. Melon.........Oh, and Konan.

* * *


	2. Delivery For The Kazekage

Only in a few hours the two artists were in the desert.

"Danna, are you sure this is the right way?" Asked the bomber nervously.

"I'm doing the best I can, barely seeing what's in front of me. You could carry a few ya know."

"Okay, un."

They stopped for a moment so that Deidara could grab a couple of pizza boxes, then started walking again. It was quite for a few minutes before the blond broke the silence.

"Hey, Sasori Danna."

"What is it now, brat?"

"Guess what I'm thinking about, un."

"Ditching the mission and just having sex?"

"As tempting as it is, no. Try again."

Sasori thought for a moment before replaying quickly.

"You are not going to be singing the 'Crusty Crab Pizza Song'. Sasori stated bitterly.

"Aww, c'mon Danna! It's the perfect setting, un."

"Don't question my authority. I draw the line when that sponge-thing comes into play."

"Whatever you say...Squidward Danna, un."

"What did I say!"

Deidara snickered. Sasori sighed and looked up at the sky, sighing again impatiently.

"Tsk, we won't make it to Suna till nightfall."

"Meh."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Later that evening~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I can see the village." Sasori acknowledged.

"...Finally..." Deidara panted.

They had been walking for hours without any brakes, thanks to a certain fire crotch. As they approached The Sand Village, Deidara waved at the guards at the entrance. When inside the village the blonde took out the notepad Pein had given him.

"Okay, our first order is at the Kazekage's mansion, un."

Sasori mumbled slightly as they headed toward their destination. When they came upon the property you could hear the music playing at full blast(do ninjas have stereos?). They walked past a large gate then up a couple steps. Sasori knocked on the door loudly..........Nothing. The two artists looked at each other. Sasori's temper was rising quickly, he knocked on the door again, this time 3 times louder. Then muttering "Damn kids." A moment later the door clicked open. A boy with purple warrior paint on his face opened the door widely, then wobbled slightly. A different boy had flown himself on him, then started licking off his face paint, not even noticing Deidara or Sasori. He had brown hair and what looked like clan markings on each of his cheeks. The man with the face paint being cleaned off his face was holding a beer in his right hand, and supporting himself against the door with his left arm.

"You the pizza dudes?" He slurred.

"Obviously." said Sasori, shifting the pizzas toward him.

"Oh, great." The looked inside the house for a moment, then at the boy who was sucking at his face, then back at the 'Pizza Dudes'.

"Hey do you guys mind setting those somewhere in the house or something. I'm kinda busy." He was sucking at the boy now.

"Excuse me?!"

"Sure!!" Deidara happily skipped into the house.

As he made his way past the man, he glanced around the living room. There were many people, some looked like sand ninja (do to their outfits) and others civilians. People were drinking, dancing, and snogging. Or doing all of those things at the same time. Deidara walked past many people to a coffe table, setting down the pizza. He looked up and saw a few people gambling in the corner.

"Hey, you there."

Deidara looked to his right and saw a boy with fiery red hair, a "love" kanji" on his forehead, and black around his eyes either from lack of sleep, or this guy liked wearing eyeliner. He was sitting on the couch, relaxed, a slight smile and a blush across his face. He'd been drinking. Next to him, a boy his age had his arms around his neck and hands caressing his face. He had a bowl hair cut and wore a full-body, green spandex suit. He was leaning almost on top of the red head, licking and nipping at his neck. On his other side, another boy was doing the same thing. He had brown hair that was tied in a low, loose pony tail, and had strange eyes. To put it simply, it looked like a pimp with two off his bitches.

Deidara pointed at himself, not looking away from the sight.

"M-me?" He stuttered.

"Yes you, blondie, come over hear. _**Join us.**_" He ordered, making his last statment a command.

Would Deidara pass that up? Hell no!! He pushed the boy with the ponytail off the couch making a thud on the floor. Quickly taking his spot, and roughly kissing the red headed boy. In this action it took him away from the bowl cut. Who quickly took action in taking Gaara back, breaking the kiss he was already having, and forcing Gaara to kiss him instead. Deidara growled and took back Gaara for himself again. Gaara was becoming a little dizzy with his head being thrown like that. Just when the bowl cut was about to take back his lover, he felt a hand on his face, then a pair of lips and a tongue trying to gain entrance to his mouth. He went along with it and started making out with Deidara's hand.

Sasori had just made it to the kitchen, he sighed tiredly. It only took a second for him to tense up again. Someone had just groped his ass. He spun around, seeing no one there. He franticly looked around the room, trying to find the person who just invaded his bubble. It was useless though. People were coming in and out of the kitchen like animals. He leaned against the counter for a moment, he looked behind him and saw nothing. Wait, nothing? Not even the pizza was there. His eyes widened slightly in surprise. He thought quickly 'We need to leave before we get eaten by these monsters.' He left to find the guy with the face paint.

He was still at the front door, snogging the same guy. Sasori pushed the boy out of the way, not caring where he landed, then took Kankuro by his collar making his face closer to his. Kankuro sniffed and commented:

"I-is that Old English?"

Sasori shook him roughly.

"Where's my money?" Sasori yelled.

"I-uh-um-eh-ow!" Kankuro stuttered.

"Bitch! Gimme my money or you won't have any legs!"

"Okay-okay, look in the hallway, my wallets in a bag."

Sasori pushed and let him go. He walked down the hallway and saw a few bags but looked in any of them, as long as he got the money. After getting the amount that was owed (along with extra he stashed for himself) out of a few different wallets, he stood up to search for Deidara.

He looked everywhere for that damn blonde. Then when he started getting even more aggravated, he saw a familiar blond ponytail come from behind a couch in the living room. He rushed over there to scold him for running off without permission. Just when he was about to do so, he saw what kind of situation the blond was in.

Deidara was laying on top of the Kazekage, kissing him deeply. His hand in the boys unzipped pants, he was flushed and sweating slightly. There was a different boy laying on Deidara. Lee was biting Deidara's shoulder, and humping his upper thigh. On the floor a brunette boy was holding Deidara's leg, and giving tender kisses to Gaara's.

Sasori quickly tried cover his nosebleed.

"Deidara!" Sasori had managed to say.

The bomber had broken away from Gaara. His face a deep shade of red and nothing but lust in his visible eye.

"...Danna..." Was what he said looking up at the puppet, with an uke-ish face. Though Deidara had stopped moving, he was still moving every now and then, from the 'Dry Humping Green Beast' on top of him. Then Gaara was squirming under him slightly and whining a little, and begging Deidara to continue.

It was truly a sight to behold.

Sasori pushed the 'Dry humping Green Beast' off his partner.

"Dei, we need to go now."

"Awww, Danna, just a little longer, please, un." Deidara begged. Still looking up at Sasori, he licked Gaara's cheek, who moaned lightly.

_'Damn that blonde for being so sexy.'_

"No Dei. We have to leave now. C'mon."

Sasori grabbed Deidara and headed toward the front door. Kankuro and his lover were doing naughty things on the floor. Just as they exited a plate flew by their heads, then crashed on a near by wall. Sasori picked up the remaining pizzas to be delivered, then lead Deidara off of the property. They stopped for a minute. Deidara was panting slightly, hands on his knees.

"God Dei, what do you think you were doing?" Sasori scolded him, cleaning up the rest of his nosebleed.

"Having fun, un." The blond smirked, satisfied. "GAAH!!" Deidara grabbed his wrist in pain.

"What's wrong?" The puppet asked, concerned.

"My...hand-" Said Deidara, pain in his voice.

His hand mouth began gagging and choking. The bomber hit his arm a couple of times, then his hand coughed up a small round metal object, his tounge hung out of it's mouth, exhausted. Both artists leaned in to examine the object better.

"A...peircing?" Sasori said a little more than surprised.

"Hmmm...I wonder who's it is." Said Deidara questioned, poking at it.

"Deidara, you- just tell me the next address."

* * *


	3. Arrival In Konoha

Itachi and Kisame were nearing Konoha. Though the weasel would never admit it, he was embarrassed about his out-burst at the base but he'd make sure that it would never happen again. Hidan's laugh ran on repeat in his head, the thought made him shiver slightly. He scratched at his neck, he had on a jumbo bow-tie that reminded him of clowns, and it was seriously ichy. Kisame made him wear it. Usually he would just ignore him, along with a couple of death threats, but he'd let his partner have the pleasure of him wearing it for one day, and one day only.

As they came closer to the village Kisame plopped a small hat on his head, it would help people from knowing who he really was. They walked deep into the village and found their "fashion boutique".

"More like a thrift store." Said Itachi in his regular monotone voice.

He stepped inside the store. It was kinda small. Kisame looked around at the items, they were pretty decent. He walked behind the cash register. There was a chair and a small fan. He looked around the place once more. All in all the place wasn't that bad.

"I'm gonna look around." Itachi went past a certain. He came into a even smaller room. Besides a couple of dressing rooms there was a large old wardrobe. He opened the doors and found a couple of coats. He was about to close it before he noticed a small patch of light coming from the back. There was the smallest hole, he went farther into the wardrobe. He put his eye next to the hole to see where the light was coming from. All he could see was a bunch of white, but he could tell there was something back there. He stepped out of the wardrobe to see what was behind it, only then did he fell something hard hit his head and then it all went black.

XXX

Itachi moaned at the ache that was coming from his head. He rolled on his side then opened his eyes and saw a pretty purple flower with small people on it. Ne? People? He sat up quickly gazing at the tiny couple. They looked at him disapprovingly and flew away with their wings.

"...Uh..." Itachi mumbled as he watched them fly away.

He looked around, he was in a small clearing in a woodsy area, but he was not in Konoha anymore, or even in the Land of Fire. There was snow eveywhere, his clothes were a little wet from laying in it for too long. Soon he heard a noise come from the trees. He stood up to see the unfortunate soul that would cross his path. A few moments later a small panda came forth carrying a lantern, walking on it's hind legs like a human.

"Well, hello there!" The panda exclaimed happily.

Itachi looked at the creature warily. _'It could talk too? And it looks like it wants to bother me some more.'_ Thought Itachi, notifying himself. The panda came closer, it wasn't very big, it probably came up to Itachi's hips. The panda leaned in Itachi's direction to get a better look at him, then jumped back and started running around in circles.

"I found him! I found him!' The little creature repeated.

"Found what?" Itachi questioned.

The little panda was stumped of words. It hopped toward Itachi and started dragging him into the woods.

_'Damn this thing is strong' _Itachi muttered in his head. _' I might as well see what he has to show me, I guess. I don't have any other plan at the moment anyway.'_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Meanwhile~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back at the shop two girls had just come in, snotty brats indeed.

"Greetings..." Kisame welcomed them.

The girls probably would have returned the greeting, but only then did they notice his blue skin. They gave him a disgusted look, then ran off somewhere else in the store. Kisame sighed. He was used to it but it still made him feel bad.

He picked up a magazine that was in a drawer under the register. It was was a young teen magazine...for girls. He groaned disapprovingly at it, but it's better than doing nothing. He flipped through a couple of pages, landing on "Your New Look" article, front page...how lucky. A couple of different shades of lipstick, blush, a hair dryer, blah, blah, blah, girl shit. He saw a couple of girls in swimsuits and that got his attention. Though he was with Itachi and wasn't interested in women, these girls were hot! He snickered to himself then turned the page continuing the article. But the page was ripped out and the next article was "What To Do About Your Monthly Visitor". He tossed the magazine across the room, it's pages flying through the air aimlessly. Breathing heavy, he looked around and found a few customers staring at him. A mother and child walked out of the store, quickly, glancing at the shark nervously. He smiled sheepishly and waved awkwardly, trying to play cool, and not make an even bigger fool of himself. The two girls who had come in earlier had come up with a few clothing items in hand. They were chatting about something.

"Did you hear? The Kazekage had a party the other night."

"Oh man, I wish I could've been there. Gaara is so cute even though he's kinda scary."

"I know what you mean, but I'd prefer Sasuke any day, compared to Gaara that is."

"What are you talking about? Gaara is the ultimate! Sasuke's a traitor and his personality is selfish."

"Why are you bashing on Sasuke? Didn't you hear what happened to his clan? And the revenge he has for his brother? That's SO fucking hot!" The girl licked her lips in satisfaction of what she said.

"Yeah, whatever. Him and Naruto are totally hot together."

"Naruto? No, no. He's hotter with Neji."

"SasuNaru?" Another girl joined the conversation. "I love SasuNaru, and SasuShika."

"Whaaaaaa? Shikamaru?"

"Hell yeah!"

"Hell no!"

"Hey, why don't you girls take this outside, please." Kisame pleaded. The last thing he wanted was a group of girls fighting over yaoi. Since more of them were wanting to join.

"Shut-up!" They all said together. Rage in their eyes.

"No! Sasuke and his brother Itachi!"

"Eh, that's incest." A young boy intervened.

The Sasuke fan-girl punched him square in the face. He fell to the floor and knocked over a clothing rack.

"It's not incest! It's Uchihacest!" The girl yelled at the top of her lungs.

Suddenly even more girls started coming in, ready to make their point.

Kisame hid behind his desk prepared to wait out the war that was about to erupt. He heard screams, yells, different and random pairings were also thrown about.

"GAALEE!!"

"KANKOKIBA!!"

"KAKAIRU!!!"

"YOU BITCH!!"

There were many crashes and banging. He poked his head up from the desk only to duck again. Someone was thrown in his direction and had hit the wall, then slumped to the ground, unconscious in front of Kisame.

"SASODEI!!!"

"KUZUHIDAN!!!"

"ITATOBI!!!!"

_'How do they even know about those guys?' _Kisame pondered. _'Dammit Itachi, where are you?'_


	4. Starting Graveyard Duty

Zetsu walked toward a village that was quickly approaching. Tobi had distracted himself with some flowers a moment ago and was now trying to catch up to the plant.

"Zetsu-san! Wait for me! I don't want to be by myself in the dark!" Cried Tobi.

"**Then hurry up you pesk.** Come along now, Tobi." Replied Zestu, still walking.

The plant noticed that after a while that the masked man had still not caught up to him yet. He turned around to see where he'd wandered of to this time, then-

GLOMP

Zetsu growled as The Tobi pinned him to the ground. He opened his eyes and saw a grey tabby cat only inches from his face.

"Zetsu! Zetsu-san! Look what Tobi caught! Isn't it cute?" Zetsu could just imagine the bright smile behind that mask.

"Erm, kinda..." One side of Zetsu wanted to be nice to Tobi, a little, and the other side wanted to say a few choice words to the kid.

"Can we keep it?" Tobi begged.

"I'm going to eat it, Tobi. **Dinner!**"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They were in the middle of their shift. Zetsu was in a small building. Not much really needed to be done. There were no windows, so it was stuffy, but if you turned on the small air conditioner it made being in there barable. There was a small antenna T.V. too. Old as hell. No matter what you did the picture was always messed up. Zetsu was alone in the little room. Tobi was outside "patrolling". Zetsu felt like it was okay to let him out there alone, even though he couldn't keep an eye on him, but it would probably be good for him since he was a little distressed from the cat incident. Now he was relaxing with the comforting silence by himself. Until....

"Zetsu-san!! Zetsu-san!!" A faint yelling was heard.

"**Dammit.**"

Zetsu walked across the room to open the door. Once he did so, guess who he saw? That's right!

The Tobi was at the door.

"Tobi has something to show Zetsu-san." The orange thing called happily.

"What is it?" The plant asked not really wanting to participate.

"Look!"

Tobi reached in a direction where the light from the inside did not shine. But once the thing was in the light, Zetsu noticed it wasn't an object, but a person.

This man was disgusting, and he smelled. He wore a suit that was covered in dirt and had several rips and tears. It and him hadn't been washed in ages. Now that Zetsu had looked at him for a moment he noticed that the man was missing a part of his face. His skin was a pale, bluish, purple, and had maggots coming out of his mouth and ears.

"I tried to ask him his name but he wouldn't answer me." Tobi began.

Zetsu looked around outside. The moonlight was showing multiple slow moving people, some coming from out of the ground. They were walking toward the source of light. Which was the small room where he and Tobi were now occupying.

The man Tobi had brought was trying to take a chunk of flesh out of him but was being blocked from Tobi's arm armor.

Zetsu knew exactly what was going on.

Zetsu kicked the man in the head. The force took the mans head off, his body falling to the ground. His head was stuck on Zetsu's shoe. After a couple of shakes it slid off joining it's body.

"Whaaaaaaa?!" Was all Tobi could say before being pulled inside the small room.

Zetsu closed and locked the door, then started pacing around the room, trying to think up a plan.

"What wrong, Zetsu-san?" Tobi asked concerned.

"Tobi-**Don't you see all those zombies**?!"

"Wha-wha-what do we do?"

Zetsu stopped pacing then turned to his masked partner.

"Get the gun from the closet. **Then prepare for battle!**"


	5. Don't I Know You?

Sasori and Deidara were heading toward the last house. In one of their previous houses it turned out the guy was a perv and kept hitting on Deidara. Nobody could keep their hands of him could they? Sasori wanted to get this "mission" over with as soon as possible.

They arrived at a apartment complex. They climbed up the steps to the second level, knocked on the door then waited for a reply. Nothing...again. This was a funny repeating theme wasn't it? Well, Deidara wasn't laughing. He opened the door, which was already unlocked, and stepped inside the apartment. He wondered if anybody was even here. The lights were off, no noise, or anything. His hand wandered around the wall searching for the light switch. Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder. Deidara made a high pitch squeal, and dropped the pizza. He turned around to (try to) see the intruder, only to find Sasori with his finger to his lips.

"What're you-"

"Shhhh!"

"What?"

Sasori put his other hands finger to the blonds lips and they both "Shhhed" together. The puppet then pointed to his ear, indicating to listen.

Deidara went still for a moment, trying to hear even the slightest sound. It wasn't much, but he could hear slight chatting in another room. Deidara found the switch and the lights flicked on. He looked around to find the source of the noise. He walked toward a door...opened it...poked his head through....

Many girls filled the room, they looked deep in conversation. The room was lit with candles, also the only source of light. It was a small room and narrow. At the very end of the room a portrait of someone was hanging from the wall. Most of the candles were stored beneath it. It didn't take long for one of the girls to notice a head poking through the door.

"Who're you?" She asked, standing up immediately. The others turned to see what their friend was fussing about. Some of them stood up too, fury on their faces.

"What have you found, Deidara?"

Sasori was at his side now. The door was open enough for the girls to see him as well. They all gasped as they looked at Sasori, then at the portrait, then back at Sasori again. The portrait was of a red haired boy, a kanji, his eyes....Hey, wait a minute. This guy was-

"Gaara! Is that him?!" A girl asked bewildered.

There were a few squeals and a scream.

"No. Look at him more carefully. There's a slight difference."

Sounds of disappointment circled the room.

"Sasori-Danna, haven't we seen that guy before, un?"

Silence filled the air. Sasori looked at the portrait. He recognized the man immediately. Though his attention had drifted else where when he noticed one of the women staring at him, as if waiting for something. She was wearing an "I 'heart' Gaara" shirt, and had 'love' kanji earrings. She was even wearing a bunch of eyeliner to look like him. It seemed to be a trend. The others were wearing other simular Gaara shirts, with related accessories. He noticed that one of the shirts had only Gaara's head on it. Sasori was getting a bad feeling. They were standing in front of a crowd of Gaara fan-girls.

"Yeah, I know him, I gave him a hand-job earlier, right, un?" Deidara recalled.

"You idiot!" Sasori yelled the smacked the back of his head.

He might as well woken up a den of lions. There were growls coming from the pack now. Who Sasori assumed was the leader, had stepped forward and pointed at them both.

"Get them!" She commanded her minions.

Deidara and Sasori split faster than a banana. They were out the door and had flown down the steps in a matter of seconds. They ran down the streets of Suna, with those fan-girls close behind.

While trying to find the exit to the village, they were nearly trampled by a red blur. It was Gaara! He seemed to also be running for his life. They looked at each other, because now Gaara was running along side them.

"Hey-!" Deidara started but was then swept into a pair of arms. He caught a glimpse of a body flying by, missing him by inches. He saw the flying body collide with a few of their pursuers, they all fell like a bowling ball hitting the pins.

"Be careful, they come from all directions." Gaara informed as if this was a regular theme.

"Right, un." Deidara replied. A moment passed....

"My hero!!" The blonde called breathlessly. He wrapped his arms around Gaara's neck and squeezed tightly.

"Deidara!" Sasori broke in, a hint of jealousy in his voice.

"Don't worry Sasori, your still my Danna." Deidara snickered.

Sasori's anger was forgotten when a black bra was thrown apon his head.

"GAARA-SAMA!!! LET'S MAKE BABIES!!!"

"WE LOVE YOU GAARA!!!!"

"Speed it up, boy." Growled Sasori, while trying to unhook the undergarment from his hair.

Gaara didn't reply. Not wanting to get distracted while his life was on the line.

* * *


	6. Waiting For The Customer

The night was still young in a bustling village. It was the perfect atmosphere to spend the night with that special someone. Whether it may be spending a romantic night at home, going to the park and snogging passionately on a bench under the street light, or walking down an old ally way to find some hoe to suck your dick. We'll, at least that's where you could find Kakuzu and Hidan.

Hidan rested his back against an old graffiti building in a dark ally, wearing a super short pink mini-skirt with a silver sparkly belly shirt that clung to his neck. While going further he put on some purple lip stick and an (almost) frightening blue eyeshadow that made his purple-pink eyes stand out. Also his hair tied in low pig tails. Kakuzu was given a shoulderless skin tight leather dress that barely made it pass his ass. Kakuzu objected at first but Hidan claimed they would get more customers this way. The banker felt very uncomfortable. He just stood there with his arms folded and a disapproving look on his face.

"Oi, Kakuzu, look more sex appealing!" Hidan commanded. Kakuzu looked at him like he was stupid.

"If someone wants this, they'll let me know." The miser replied while closing his eyes, trying to hide his embarrassment.

"Grrr...Kakuzu-" Hidan began to protest, but was then distracted be a skimpy female. All mind activity was fixed on her till she rounded a corner.

"Oh-ho...did you see that Kakuzu?" A large grin was placed on Hidan's face.

"Hmpf." Kakuzu responded, uninterested.

"What? What are you, a gay?"

"You and I are together, Hidan. What do you think?" Kakuzu was starting to get pissed off.

"Oh yeah...that's right, you like dick, don't you?" Hidan was having fun teasing his partner.

"Hidan! Don't test my patience...I'll kill you." The banker was beginning to feel that urge again.

"Tsk, dammit Kakuzu, don't give me that." Hidan submitted, every trace of fun leaving him.

There was a moment of awkward silence. A few people came and left. None seemed to be interested in either one of them.

"Grrah! How long are we just gonna stand here?" Hidan started to complain.

Kakuzu sighed softly. "Pein got us some connections, we're high-class, which means a higher price."

"Okay...so if that's true...why are we in a place like this?!" Hidan's voice was growing louder with every word.

"I don't know, Hidan!" Kakuzu was raising his voice now. "Leader told us to be at this spot for a certain customer! I don't know what else to tell you!"

"I could be doing other things besides waiting to get plugged up!"

"This is an assignment, and besides, what else are you gonna do beside do one of your stupid, long, drawn-out rituals!"

"Don't mock Jashin-sama! You'll regret it!"

"...Ahem-"

"I don't think I could care less."

"I'll make sure you become the next sacrifice!"

"You wouldn't be able to kill me in a thousand years!"

"You-!"

"AHEM!!!"

The Zombie Brothers now noticed there was a man standing in front of them. He was wearing a full body cloak and was wearing the hood, concealing his identity.

"May we help you?" Kakuzu asked.

"You are the ones, yes?" The mysterious man questioned.

"I guess. Could you be a little more specific?" Hidan said smartly.

"Shut it! Your the one with the special request?"

"Yes....Well then, come with me." He started walking off and the two of them followed after him.

"This isn't over. Not by a long shot!" Hidan threatened to his partner in a whisper.

"It never is." Kakuzu replied boredly.


	7. Causing Problems

"Shit! Kakuzu, we need to go back." Hidan told his money-obsessed partner.

"Why? Kakuzu stopped walking and so did their customer.

"I left my bag at that fucking mini-store." Hidan replied bitterly.

"I don't think that's very important at the moment." Kakuzu looked at their customer nervously, afraid he'll run away and just leave. He would get in trouble with Pein if that happened.

"All my stuff is in that thing...do you really want me to go without my stuff, kakuzu?"

"..." The miser thought for a moment. "God dammit." He said to himself.

"Let's just go back and get the purse, then leave, please." The customer said slightly agitated.

"Alrighty then, mother fuckers, c'mon!" Hidan skipped off toward the store, Kakuzu and the customer falling behind him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two minutes after getting in the store ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What do you mean you don't have my bag?" Hidan felt his anger rise dangerously high.

"I'm sorry, erm...sir, but there's nothing in our lost and found." The employ informed.

"You know what, I get the feeling your lying to me."

"Dear Lord...please, Hidan, let's not do this today." Kakuzu was trying to avoid an incident. Hidan turned to him, his face was manic. " You stay out of this, String Boy!"

Well that was it, Hidan was loosing it. Nothing Kakuzu could do about it.

"I'll go back there and look for it myself!"

The employ held up his hand to the cross-dresser. "I'm sorry, but we can't allow customers in our back room."

"Seriously?! You know what, I bet you DO have my bag back there, you and your little friends are fondling with my stuff! Aren't you?!?!" Hidan's voice was heard though out the store. Shoppers turned to stare.

"No, sir. We wouldn't do something like that." The employ was very nervous at this point. Hidan's pupils were small and his face crazed. He threw his hands up in the air dramatically. "Your having the best time laughing at me 'HAHA he's so stupid!'!! You little fuckers! I'll poor acid and rice into your skull, wrap it in a taco and EAT IT!!! Who's laughing now?!"

"I-I-I wasn't l-laughing...w-w-we have no p-purse-"

"IT'S NOT A PURSE DAMMIT!!!!"

The employ made a sound something between a wince and a scream. "Don't harm me!" He begged, shielding himself with his arms.

"Yeah, right." Hidan reached in his underwear where he kept a small pocket knife. He flicked it open and raised his hand, prepared to shed blood. Kakuzu noticed this action and quickly out stretched his "threads". The strapped themselves around the mutilating bastard, stopping the attack and any other kind of movement.

"That's enough from you." Kakuzu ordered. Hidan turned his head to his partner. He growled deeply.

They stared at each other for a long while. little did they know that every eye in the store was looking at the both of them. Heads moved from side to side seeing which one would strike first. After another moment Kakuzu started making his way out of the store, Hidan still trapped within his "threads".

"O-oi! Wait a minute! C'mon, please? Just one kill?...The urge is unbearable to stand..." Hidan made a suggestive moan. Kakuzu didn't reply, and just kept walking with their customer by his side. Before disappearing out the door, Hidan grabbed a bag of chips and gave everyone the finger.

_"Gee, my hands are soft..."_ The customer thought.

* * *


	8. Breakfast, Lunch, Or Dinner?

Tobi gazed at the static upon the small screen, his rested in his hands. It was now the middle of the day now and it seems the zombie population was growing more intense by the hour. Being inside the suffocating room wasn't too boring, for Tobi at least. Even though static was the only thing on the screen, he watched the television as if there was something being broad casted. What he sees is unknown. Just then, Zetsu came through the door, panting heavily. He closed and locked the door behind him quickly. He slid down to sit on the floor with the shot gun in his lap.

"There are so many of them...it's never ending, and we're running out of ammo-"

"I'm hungry." Tobi interrupted.

"Heh, you're lucky I was thinking about you. I brought you this."

Zetsu punched himself in the stomach a couple times. He then vomited a zombie arm. It gave off a terrible odor, and was covered in Zetsu goo.

"Uhrg! I can't eat that!" Tobi told his partner horrified.

"What? It tasted fine to me." Zetsu defended the arm, also a bit offended.

"But Zetsu-san, I don't eat humans like you do."

"Oh stop being such a baby and eat the damn meat. You said you were hungry, right?" The plant kicked the body part closer to his friend. "Well?..."

Tobi knelt down near it. It was disgusting. Just the smell could make him puke. He outstretched his arm to touch it but then it suddenly started twitching. It's fingers moved around rapidly. Tobi winced and reeled his arm back to his body.

"Do you think you could cook it first?" Tobi asked a bit afraid.

"Why would you want it cooked?"

"Erm, I think it'll help with the taste of it."

"What are you talking about? It looses all of it's flavor once it's cooked."

"Please please please please please!!"

"What do you want me to do, start a fire in here?"

Tobi thought for a second then nodded his head.

"NO! I'm not going to do that!"

"But Zetsu-san-"

"No! I'm sick of you and that empty head of yours!" Zetsu then tossed the gun to Tobi.

"What do I do with this?"

"Aim for the head." And with that Tobi was sent outside to defend for himself.


End file.
